Today, my dad gave me the only compliment he’s ever given me in years.

Today was prom-day for the high schoolers, and as I stood with my dad on the side and watched the colorfully-clad girls and boys line up in front of their Escalade limo and the mothers crowd around snapping photos, my dad and I started commenting (and critiquing) the girls’ dresses. At one point, I revealed that I had tried on my own high school prom dress earlier this afternoon for fun, and I had noticed that it was a lot looser on me.

“Oh yes, I’ve noticed recently that you’ve lost weight. Good,” he responded.

This, coming from the man who’s always called me chubby, fat, and overweight, is the closest to a compliment that he has ever given me, from what I can remember.

“The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation.” I don’t doubt that as I’m reading these quotations. It’s funny, actually. I know some people who want to be lawyers in the future, but I can totally see them pull ridiculous lines like these and not even realize it (actually, I just know people in general who ask dumb questions like these). For everyone’s sake, I hope they learn to think better on their feet post-college.

  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  • Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
  • Witness: "Er...his face."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
  • Witness: "I forget."
  • Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  • Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  • -----
  • Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
  • Witness: "That's me."
  • Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
  • Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
  • Witness: "Yes sir."
  • Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  • Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
  • -----
  • Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
  • Witness: "The victim lived."

lj101a:

A friend sent me this link at 4am during finals week when I was on the edge of just giving up on a paper. NEVER DO THIS. And it helped me get through a few extra pages. You can also find Henry Miller’s Writing Commandments on this link.

So if you ever feel like you need an extra caboose on writing, academically or not, definitely check out his tips.

I love his second to last bullet: You’re a Genius all the time.

So True.

Click click click!

(via ljdigital)

Shoe Woes

If you didn’t know, my shoe size ranges from 5 to a 6. But usually, it’s a 5.5. And if you didn’t know, in the (American, affordable) shoe world, these sizes are hard to come by.

This is why I shop for shoes online. Every time I physically walk into a shoe store to browse for shoes, I always leave depressed because I would see cute flats, or a pair of amazing pumps, but when I would ask for a size 5, the girl behind the counter would always look at me apologetically and say, “I’m sorry, but 6 is the smallest we carry.”

Back in high school, when I wore Converse shoes on a daily basis (my mother refused to buy me the suede boots I so desired, and I had no money of my own to spare), I would go into the Converse store and try out various sizes in the women’s section. Of course, they were all too big for me. Then, one day, I aimlessly wandered over to the kids’ section, and guess what? I found my size. So for all four years of high school, I wore shoes from the kids’ section. Even my prom heels were purchased from the kids’ aisle in Payless Shoe Stores (crappy store, I know, but my Taiwanese mother wouldn’t let me invest in a better pair of heels). I kid you not.

I guess the only benefit of buying from the children’s shelves is that I got great discounts in that the adult shoes were always priced higher than children’s shoes.

Even today, I’m still plagued with this problem. Just an hour ago, as an attempt to postpone studying, I meandered over to my closet and sat in front of it, perusing through my shoe collection (and in case you’re wondering, yes, my shoes have upgraded from high school, thanks to my luck in securing a job). What I realized, while sitting in front of my shoes, was that almost all of my shoes in my collection have somehow been self-altered to fit me. Almost every single pair is embellished with either heel grips or extra padding, because almost every single pair is too big for me. What is even more ridiculous is that every single pair is a size 5, 5.5, or 6. They are all the smallest sizes available for each particular shoe.

Do you see the justification behind my woe? My #firstworldproblems? Why don’t they make shoes in sizes 4 and 4.5? I mean, I COULD always start purchasing shoes from European designers, but where would I get that kind of money? I really should pack up and move away to Europe, where shoes in general just come in smaller sizes and I don’t have to be left with the only option of splurging on a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos.

My cousin has always gushed her envy towards my small shoe size. “You’re a 5.5! You can fit sample sizes! OMG you’re so lucky..” Ha. That’s because her dad has access to a shoe warehouse and can bring home all sorts of sneakers, heels, and sandals for my cousins. My dad brings home cables and computers and other tools that engineers like to use. Fitting sample sizes means nothing to me, unless I can somehow shrink my excess body fat, grow a few inches taller, and become a fashion model.

My life is so sad. I can’t even own a pair of shoe that can properly fit me.

P.S. I inadvertently inserted a pun somewhere in the midst of all that writing. Props to those who found it!

They say to never lower your standards, because once you lower them, you will be disappointed. I think my life is different though. I’ve had to keep lowering my standards for most things because I keep getting disappointed.

Girl’s Best Friend

In a modest sized bedroom that is surrounded by calming white walls decorated with artsy ad campaigns from Hugo Boss, Ralph Lauren, and Gucci, pictures of New York City, and a movie poster of Transformers, illuminated by the sunlight streaming in from the window by the bed, stands a little bookcase by the door.

With a richly dark mahogany color, the bookshelf holds four shelves, all occupied to reflect the personality and life of the person who claims the bedroom as hers. On the very top of the bookshelf stands three photo frames – right, center, left – which hold smiling faces, different cities, varying seasons, and warm memories. Accompanying the frames are two glass figurines of Eeyore and some miscellaneous objects – a watch here, a few random bobby pins and hair bands there.

Over the years, it has evolved. First, there were only two shelves, stacked with children’s books, a big encyclopedia, and two fat volumes – Merriam-Webster’s dictionary and thesaurus. Then, the internet started advancing, and with Google’s help, hardcover versions of encyclopedias, dictionaries, and thesauruses became obsolete, and hence, those volumes disappeared from the bookshelf as they were packed away in boxes and donated to charity. The next few years, different volumes took up residence within the bookshelf. Carolyn Keene’s yellow hardcover Nancy Drew mysteries series – all 56 of the original ones – settled into the very bottom shelf. Textbooks gathered from various classes, organized by subject, established their home in the shelf right above Nancy Drew. As the girl who owns the bookshelf matured, the Seventeen and Dog Fancy magazines in the second shelf were replaced by Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan, and Entertainment Weekly magazines, organized by print date. Moving up, on the very first shelf reside the girl’s favorite books to date, all authored by James Patterson and Scott Mariani. Because the shelf represents so much of the girl’s personality and holds much value to her, she makes sure to dust the shelves periodically and keeps all in good shape.

As Ben Ehrenreich states in his The Death of the Book, a book represents “a mountain, a goatskin, a forest, a slab of clay, a knotted string, a blinking screen, a red, a flock of finches.” With the transition from print to digital, books seem to lose that sentiment and value. Instead of symbolizing something that can feel so real, a book is reduced to being a virtual file in a kindle library. It scares me that one day, bookshelves will no longer be of use. Instead, they will be reduced to sitting in someone’s old dusty attic, flattened to shards in a landfill, or hiding, forgotten, in the living room corner, buried underneath some useless rubbish.

(Photo Credit: Metronomico)

According to the LJ Digital tumblr’s entry titled “Writers Caught in the E-Book War,” Jonathan Franzen, a National Book Award winner, told the Telegraph, in regards to e-books, that: “a screen always feels like we could delete that, change that, move it around. So for a literature-crazed person like me, it’s just not permanent enough.” The idea of change is always hauntingly frightening, especially since no one can confidently predict the outcome of changes. Franzen’s thoughts mirror mine. Bookshelves are built for long-term stability. They are utilized to hold books of all sizes, shapes, and weight. There is just something reassuring, sophisticated, and intellectual about the longevity of bookshelves and the volumes they hold.

I imagine it as this: Ten years from now, when I am in my early thirties and have my own house, I will designate one of the smaller rooms on the second floor as my “library.” With a window seat bordered with comfortable cushions against large window overlooking a spacious, grassy backyard with a calming Japanese koi pond (or, if I dream larger, a sparkling blue lake), the room will be walled in by bookshelves harboring all of my favorite volumes. In my leisure time, I can bring a blanket in, settle on the window seat, and sink myself into the literature world, appreciating each time I turn the parchment pages of the books, each time I run my fingers over the black print, and each time I open a new (or old) book and breathe in the scent. Each book is different. Each has its own story to tell, and each has its own personality to share. If I allow myself to forget the value a bookshelf has for me, I would never grow up to have that room; I would only have the fading bittersweet memories of print books and the experiences I have had with them.

(Photo Credit: Intheshadowofyounggirlsinflower)

#SignsThatYouUgly

Twitter has the best trending topics. Sometimes, I get the feeling that there are so many intelligent Twitterees out there in the vast world that I’m disappointed that I’m stuck with the pool that consists mostly of sad, lumpy, uninspiring, unintellectual people who surround me on a daily basis.

One of my favorite current trending topics at the moment is #SignsThatYouUgly. Because twitter has the 140-character limit, I’ve decided to share some of my thoughts here via tumblr!

SIGNS THAT YOU UGLY (in no particular order)

1. When you don’t own up to your mistakes.

Yeah, we all make mistakes. No one’s perfect. All idiots know that. But idiots don’t know when to own up to their mistakes. Stop being hypocritical. And stop accusing people of being hypocritical when you are just basing your assumptions on confirmatory bias. I could go on and on about this, but I’m pretty sure the words themselves are self-explanatory. But if you don’t understand this segment, do shoot me an email, and perhaps I’ll squeeze you into my busy calendar to give you a private tutoring session on the meaning of this.

2. When you don’t know your true worth.

Have you looked at yourself recently? Both physically and mentally? Do you know where you stand in society? In the social food chain? Do you see what you’re wearing? Have you realized that you’ve dropped the ball so many times that your word is now useless and untrustworthy? You are so stuck in your little bubble of a clique that you’re completely oblivious to the fact that so many people have problems with you. You’re not God Almighty. You’re not Miss Popular. You’re just a sad piece of dirty pink gum stuck to someone’s old Converse. Oh, and one more thing. I know we all like to sound intelligent, but when you attempt to use big SAT vocabulary and you botch it up, it just makes you sound incredibly…inane. And no, that wasn’t a typo.

3. Cowardice

You think you’re so tough, don’t you? Please, words are meaningless, especially if you must huddle in a corner or hide behind a computer screen to talk with your little pretentious posse in a virtual chatroom to gorge yourself obese on gossip and false assumptions. If you really had the guts, you would actively do something about whatever is ticking you off. And by active, I don’t mean sharing heated gossip. This isn’t an episode of Gossip Girl.

4. You are a wannabe.

See my previous blog post, titled Girls.That pretty much sums it up. And I don’t like you, if that wasn’t clear enough.

5. When you find scapegoats.

Okay Hitler. Stop pushing the blame onto others just because you know they won’t retaliate. They’re obviously the more mature person, if they’re taking the high road by ignoring you rather than fueling the fire. And you obviously are so ignorant that you can’t see the reality of it. I guess this ties in to Points #1 and #3. Own up to your mistakes, and stop hiding behind the skirts and suits of others.

6. When you don’t have a spine.

Can you stop following the wrong ringleaders and start growing your own spine? Must you always be a follower, rather than a leader? If you continue to mindlessly follow majority opinion rather than judging things in an unbiased way prior to making decisions, I fear for your future, because 10 years from now, you’ll just be someone’s bitch at a company, and forever like that you’ll stay. Goodbye dreams of being rich (unless you marry a rich, old pruney pervert) and being the CEO of your own successful business.

Oh, and I am ugly too. I never said I wasn’t.

Girls

Some girls are mean creatures. And sadly, I’m one of them.

I’ve tried to change that part of me, but that side somehow keeps resurfacing. So now, I’ve decided to just embrace it, and as an attempt to be nicer, I shall try to keep that side of me in check. It doesn’t mean I’m going to completely stop being critical and mean; it just means I’m going to try controlling the severity of my actions - verbal and physical.

We analyze other girls’ behaviors, and if we don’t particularly like them for some reason, we enjoy preying on their insecurities and making fun of them, whether it is to their faces or behind their backs. That’s the sad reality. What’s even more sad (and by sad, I mean pathetic, not unfortunate) is that those girls have no idea they are walking fashion disasters, undesirable companions, shrubby nubs. They think quite highly of themselves, and I blame it on college.

There are a handful of girls I would rather not associate myself with but still must. And lately, I’ve been doing my own version of psychoanalysis on them. As we all figure, high school is the petri dish of drama and food chains. It’s a pretty easy logic to understand. In my high school, at least, you have the football players, ASB members, and the majority of the Asian population at the top of the food chain. At the bottom of that chain, you have the losers. These were usually the art geeks, the video gamers, the physically undesirables… you get the idea. I was neither at the top nor bottom. I didn’t particularly aspire to be at the top (I just knew I didn’t want to be at the bottom), just because my parents had ingrained the concept of schoolwork and piano into my mind that I couldn’t really establish my presence with the coolest kids on campus by having a social life with them. Don’t get me wrong though; I was perhaps just one step under the top of the food chain. The football players and the cool Asian kids knew me. I wasn’t a social faux pas. The only thing I was lacking from being a part of them was physically hanging out with the cool kids away from school.

But I slightly digress.

These particular girls I’ve been curious about — I have come to the conclusion that they were the social faux pas I never was in high school. They were at the bottom of the food chain, if not at the lower-middle. They were never considered remotely cool; they lacked “social cred,” if you will. But now, in college, once they’ve luckily found their little niche and think they’re finally accepted, they make a big deal out of it. They start their little attempts at following fashion trends (and you know they are amateurs, because of constant little fashion faux pas), they start trying to fit in with guys and cooler girls (“OMG bacon!” Seriously? Bacon wasn’t JUST invented…), they start doing everything they can to secure their spot in this new group they’ve settled in, because if for some reason they lose their grip within this group, they’re back to the bottom of the food chain. Guess what, girls. I can see right through you. People see college as a do-over. After all, it’s a place where everyone is unfamiliar with your past, and so you can remake your life, even your personality. But when you start constantly making a big deal, over-exaggerating being included in a group (“Oh my god, HI FAMILY! <3 <3,” “I love my (insert group name) family!” etc), you essentially are raising a megaphone and yelling to the public “Look at me! High school dork! Now I’m finally in a semi-cool group! Life is finally turning around for me!”

Ugh. That’s all I can say. It really grosses me out. 

Maybe I’m just condescending and belittling, but in all seriousness, I just hope these girls don’t get the idea that I really like them and accept them as friends, as colleagues, as acquaintances. I really only talk to them civilly because I must. 

Some people are hilariously thin-skinned.

Grow a pair, por favor.

Thank god I don’t look like a shrub

I think we (we, as in girls) all have our moments where we look at some thinspo and wish we looked like that. You know, toner arms, thinner thighs, bigger boobs, the whole shebang. I know I’ve had some body image problems in the past, and once in a while, I still find myself wishing for magic to look a certain way.

Today, I briefly had one of those moments again, until I looked around and saw a few, let’s just say, less fortunate girls, and I felt so much better about myself. I’m not going to feign innocence by pretending that I’m not one of those imbeciles who make fun of bigger people - the people who have shrub-like body shapes, the people who are restricted to certain clothing because nothing else fits right- because I have my fair share of making fun of these poor individuals too. It sounds incredibly rude and typical of an ignorant bully for me to say that, but I guess you could say that the good thing about my participating in the ridicules is that it keeps me in check; the day I end up looking like a shrub is the day hell freezes over. Or the day I die. Both work.

I’m pretty sure that by saying this, karma will bite me in the ass, but at the same time, I just have to say that I am so relieved that I do not waddle.

Connie

Connie is a very elderly woman, early to mid 90’s, who shows up to the hospital multiple times a week for multiple hours a day, not as a patient, but as a volunteer. Her hair is voluminous and pearly white, and she’s just a beautiful person in and out, always generous and beaming, with a smart sense of humor. Connie is basically the epitome of the ideal grandmother.

I met her when I was a student volunteer at the hospital back at home, and her presence in general, plus her stories and her humor (not to mention the cookies she brought) always made my time at the place worthwhile. I still have very specific memories from those days — listening to her talk about her children and grandchildren, waiting with her for her cab, scheming together to get me and the others out of wheeling 300lb patients out, and more.

Today, 4 years later, my sister is a volunteer at the hospital, and Connie is still there and still shows up multiple times a week for multiple hours a day, not as a patient, but as a volunteer. Today, my sister told me that Connie was missing from her usual chair in the volunteers’ room. Word was, she had stood up from her desk during her shift and had fallen and broken her wrist. And then, out of nowhere, an orderly comes along, pushing Connie in a wheelchair. She has a cast on her arm and is smiling excitedly and chirping “Hello” to everyone she sees.

Such a trooper. She is definitely one of my heroes.

自己的情緒, 自己整理

Resolution 14029201: Be more expressive

With the way I was brought up, I always just found it easier to bottle up emotions and thoughts inside of my mind, rather than divulging such things to people. I guess, in a way, it started out as a general distrust and suspicion of everyone around me, and throughout the years, I have just held back my feelings naturally. Almost like second-nature.

If I could time-travel, I would go back in time and slap the young me for falling into that dangerous habit.

It’s been a rough week, and traditionally, if I’m experiencing such a maddening period of time, I tend to push people away, do things I don’t mean, and think negative thoughts out of anger. This week, I was able to clearly see who truly was concerned, and who truly wanted to alleviate my stress and problems. Unfortunately, with my lack of experience with verbally and physically expressing my appreciation and emotions in general (besides cry, apparently), I’ve found that I have no idea how to demonstrate what I’m feeling inside, and the last thing I want is people believing that I don’t appreciate gestures, or I don’t reciprocate feelings, or I’m just a lowly manipulative person, because in all honesty, those are the exact opposites of what I’m thinking.

All in all, I’ve added one more thing to my list of life-resolutions (just because I believe “new year resolutions” are loads of horse dung) — learn how to share emotion and thoughts and all that feely-stuff. I mean, it shouldn’t be that hard, right? I’m pretty sure even kindergarteners are able to grasp this habit. After all, they practice with the “Sharing Bear” or whatever it’s called. If these midgets can do it, so can I.

Way to make myself feel better, at the expense of poking fun at little kids. Sorry, kindergarteners.

原來我是個愛哭鬼

I’m not usually a tear-shedder, but I think this week, I must have cried more than I have cried in the past two years combined.

When I’m not selfishly self-absorbed in my own thoughts, I try my best to please everyone I like, but lately, it’s been backfiring on me. I end up hurting myself and/or people whom I would never purposely try to betray or hurt, and whether they know it or not, take it seriously or not, it kills me inside knowing that I’ve messed something - such as a valued friendship or a special bond - up. And, as we all know, sometimes, saying “sorry” just isn’t enough.

It could be that I take things for granted. It could also be that I’m weak at heart, despite the strong front I try to put up, or that I just don’t know how to be a good person or a good friend. Regardless, there is a lot room for self-improvement that I need to seriously reflect upon.

And right now, perhaps even worse is knowing that the person I want to talk to the most at the moment is not here. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone and filled with so much regret before.

I think someone once said that it is dangerous being alone with one’s thoughts. I can see the sense in that. All ‘thoughts’ do is tear you up inside.

Needless to say, it hasn’t exactly been the best week of my life. Not even close.

Nothing good happens after 2AM

But sometimes, little good things happen right before the 2AM mark.

Take last night, for example.

I have had this friend since my first year of college. I never really considered us close, but we’ve had our moments. Regardless, I always thought it was one of those friendships that would just disintegrate into oblivion after that first year, because, well, let’s face it, if you don’t have reason to see someone, or talk to someone, the bond between you two just fades.

What surprised me (and still surprises me) is that we still talk occasionally. After last night’s conversation, I realized that I really owe it to him that I can still consider him my friend.

At this moment, I’d like to refer to one of my favorite passages from Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

“Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things.”

As you can probably guess, our talk revolved around friendships. So often, we experience friends whom we let walk out of our lives, sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. My friend brought up a good point — something I think we all know subconsciously, but just never really act upon nor think actively on it. Friendships, like everything else, require work and effort. It can’t just be a one-sided thing. As cliche as it is, actions do speak louder than words. You can’t just say, “I miss you; let’s hang out sometime!” or something of the sort and not follow up on it, but still hope it’s enough to keep a friend by your side. You need to physically show that you mean it and appreciate having that person around. Today, communication has been made easy for us. We may be busy with our own lives, engrossed in our own thoughts and ambitions and problems, but reaching out to others and maintaining relationships takes only a few seconds, whether it be via a simple Facebook post, tweet, or even a text. You may not realize it right now, but eventually, when you find out you have inadvertently pushed everyone who cared away, loneliness can be quite draining.

Of course, like every overanalyzing girl in the world, I started reflecting on myself after the conversation with my friend. I’m one of those individuals who easily end up focusing too much on themselves. I always have to remind myself to keep in contact with people, since it is so easy for me to sit back and do my own thing while I wait for others to reach out to me, and that is one of the easiest ways to kill a bond between two people. This friend whom I’ve been speaking of, he’s always the one texting me. Periodically, yes. But nevertheless, it is still communication, and I do thank him for that.

So, as I’ve mentioned in my tweet from last night, thanks to those who have and still are making the effort to stay friends with me. I’m trying my best to reciprocate!

Oh, and props to those who understand where this post’s title comes from!